Shot through the heart, and you're to blame

Here I sit, a half a day later, still tearing up. This is what happened.  Someone I considered an old but close and dear friend of mine, called me out of the blue to tell me that he no longer wanted me in his life, that he was much happier without me, and that he hoped I had a good life. Zinger. Yes Indeed.

I used to love this man, I used to rely on him to make me feel better when I had a crappy day. I used to look forward to his lengthy e-mails, and witty banter. I USED TO. The thing is we were never right for each other, despite the connection we felt. I realized this, and I'm sure he did too, so we stuck with being friends and dealt with our jealousy issues when the other one was dating someone else.

Anyways, I think the main reason I'm struggling and tearing up about this is that he did know me so well. Having someone that knows you so thoroughly and in depth just cancel you out of their life without a bat of an eye hurts. It hurts to the core. It also makes me question my entire being. If it's so easy to cast me aside, what's stopping everyone else?

At what point are they going to decide that I'm not worth having around either? It's just upsetting. I already feel like I'm foregettable...and this is making me question if other people think so too.

Don't get me wrong I'm partly to blame for this I suppose. I haven't talked to him in the past 6 months or so (although he was on my monthly e-mail to my friends and family AND I did send him a couple random e-mails.) But honestly I'm not a phone talker, and after work I'd rather hang out with my boyfriend than write lengthy descriptive e-mails to all my friends. I don't talk to a lot of people anymore, but it doesn't mean they don't mean anything to me. I still like catching up with random texts, e-mails and spontaneous visits. The more you grow up the less frequent your contact is with old friends I think. You get up and go to work, come home to your loved one(s), make dinner, clean up, have some one on one time, go to bed. To sum it up, you get caught up in life and your day to day living. If I attempted to keep up with all the people I consider friends I'd be on the phone 24/7. I feel like I'm defending myself, and I shouldn't. I'm going to accept that this is what he wants and I'm going to respect that. I'm just hurt. That's it.